The Aliens Are Already Here!

And I don't mean undocumented Americans

“What if the reason why we haven't yet found aliens is because they've already found us,” themessenger.com asks, citing a “scientific” paper on the topic. “What if we've been captured, like an animal, caged in a zoo?”

This Zoo Hypothesis asks us to believe that our alien jailers are hiding from us. As most intelligent humans manage to hide Christmas presents from curious children, I guess interstellar zoo keepers could be capable of keeping their presence on the DL.

Even so, so many questions!

Why are aliens running Earth as a Zoo?

If we accept that Earth is a zoo run by hidden aliens – accounting for the fact that we seem to be alone in the cosmos (the Fermi paradox) – why would hidden aliens want to keep Earth as a zoo?

To channel my inner Tommy DeVito, is it because we’re funny? Funny how? I mean funny like we’re a clown, we amuse aliens? We make them laugh, we’re here to fuckin' amuse them?

Maybe hidden alien zookeepers sell tickets to hidden alien tourists, keeping the world’s military from interfering with their cosmic turnstiles and avoiding taxes.

Your guess is as good as mine – probably better given the size of my hangover this morning. Setting the aliens’ motivations aside…

How have aliens made the Earth a zoo?

I enjoyed O.J. Simpson’s cutting edge performance in Capricorn One. But I accept the fact that America sent a dozen white guys to the Moon. One of whom played golf. OK hit a golf ball “miles and miles.” Away from the flag.

“The moon’s one big bloody sand trap,” Shepard might have said. But didn’t. Regardless, the only thing “trapping” humans on Earth is money and the fact that there’s no good reason to leave (also money). Something to do with water, too.

Adherents to the Zoo Hypothesis theorize that we’re trapped on Earth in that aliens who could liberate us from Earth choose not to. In the same sense that Porsche could give me a free 911 but chooses not to. Kinda.

The Prime Directive Uber Alles

“Maybe aliens are like Star Trek’s Starfleet,” the messenger’s messenger offers by way of explanation, “operating with the Prime Directive of not interfering with the natural development of civilizations.”

Hello? Star Trek’s bold goers violated the Prime Directive at least five times: Dear Doctor, A Private Little War (above), Homeward, Pen Pals and Kirk’s Expensive Steak.

O.K. I made that last one up. But do we really think aliens are better at following bureaucratic rules than the crew of the Starship Enterprise? What are they, German? That’s the theory (via wikipedia):

In a universe without a hegemonic power, random single civilizations with independent principles would make contact. This makes a crowded universe with clearly defined rules seem more plausible.

As we didn’t get to vote on the rules governing this theoretical alien confederation, I speak for all humanity when I say include me out. In fact, the Zoo Hypothesis itself is dangerous.

Humans - How Naive Are We?

The problem of universal ethical homogeneity is solved because the acquisition of a persistent advanced level of civilization requires overcoming many problems, such as self-destruction, war, overpopulation, pollution, and scarcity. Managing to solve these problems could guide a civilization to adopt a responsible and wise behavior, otherwise they would disappear.

This supposition is insane. There’s only one reason life of any kind does anything: to gain resources.

Aliens “visiting” Earth are here to exploit us in some way, shape or fashion. Such as, I dunno, eat us. Suck-up our oceans. Clone the Kardashians. Something horrific.

Space-faring aliens must be peaceful because they got here? Native Americans may want a word with people who buy that flower power B.S.

Meanwhile, I want a word with the brainiacs who put a friggin’ map to Earth on the Voyager I, the first man-made object to leave our solar system. A spacecraft that should have been called The Dinner Bell.

Ancient Aliens

The truth about aliens: yes, they’re already here.

I’m talking about octopuses. Creatures with nine brains, three hearts and eight eyes. Blue blood. No spine. They use tools, solve puzzles and exhibit curiosity. They remember shit. Like the fact that we eat them.

These aliens have been on Earth for hundreds of millions of years. They’ve seen the dinosaurs come and go. They’ve watched humans evolve to the point where they could make jars and mazes that octopuses could escape with ease.

Are octopuses sending back information to their home planet? Obviously not. What’s to tell? When we can do more than hit a golf ball on the moon, maybe.

Until then, we’re safe. I hope. But just in case, they’re off my menu. Now pardon me while I return to my cage.