How to Pick Up Women

Lefty never strikes out

Lefty is a pickup artist. Not just any pickup artist. A Littoral class legend. Charming bastard that I am, I convinced Lefty to drop some pickup tips…

I started by asking the thirty-something Svengali “what’s the biggest mistake men make when trying to hook-up?”

Lefty stood up, stretched laconically and blessed me with his trademark smile.

“They’re nervous,” he revealed. “Women sense that immediately. You have to be relaxed.”

How? Meditation? Personal development? Xanax? How do nervous men achieve the sang froid they need to make time with the object of their affection?

“Have a plan,” Lefty announced, sitting down and firing-up a stogie.

True story! Wing it with a woman and you’re never sure where you are, where you need to go (conversationally) or how to get there.

As Yogi Berra said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up someplace else.”

While foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, strategic consistency is the breakfast of champions. (Or something like that.) It lets you focus on technique.

All pickup techniques start with a pick-up line. Lefty cautions against leading with anything cute, canned or clever (e.g. "Girl, you must be a beaver — cuz DAMN!).

What are the right magic words?

“You look like you’re having the best time ever.”

That’s it. That’s the line Lefty uses. Just that. Always that. The love guru wouldn’t give up the pickup line for a million dollars. Nor would his acolytes. It’s that good.

Why does it work? As an ex-hypnotist with a degree in child psychology from a semi-prestigious East Coast university, a man whose slept with a statistically valid number of women… I got nothing.

It puts them in a good mood? It’s safe? They can’t say no? If they do say no, you still have plenty of room to maneuver? I might as well try to analyze the success of the word “abracadabra.”

After deploying the BTE (Best Time Ever) approach, Lefty’s pickup technique heads in a celestial direction.

“What’s your sign?”

I thought astrology died with big hair. Apparently not. Apparently it’s alive and well and living inside the minds of women who weren’t educated enough to see it as a laughable example of pseudo-science. My bad.

The obvious prerequisite to this approach: you have to know something about astrology. Otherwise, you have to be a first-rate bullshit artist – walking on a tightrope holding a piano.

What if she knows something about astrology and you don’t? “Twenty hours education is all you need,” Lefty’s pal chimes in.

Abraham Lincoln would approve: “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”

In the interest of investigative journalism, I gave astrology six minutes.

I asked Monica AI “which is the sexiest astrological sign?” Turns out she’s a fellow skeptic.

While some people may have personal preferences, it's important to note that the concept of "sexiest astrological sign" is subjective and not based on scientific evidence. It's essential to treat astrology as a form of entertainment rather than a reliable source of information.

huffpost.com was more helpful.

The signs that claim to have the most frequent sex were Aquarius, Taurus, Pisces, Virgo and Leo, while the signs with the most sexual partners are Virgo, Aries, Taurus, Leo and Pisces.

I’m not sure if an aspiring pickup artist would put the time in to get a proper handle on astrology. Depends on their sign I guess. Unless they were convinced that their study would deliver a suitable ROI.

Speaking of which, Lefty has a mission critical piece of advice: “talk to her about what matters.” Religion? Career? The meaning of life? Nope. Sex.

“Most men never get to the point,” Lefty says. “You’ve got to bring up sex.” But what about, you know, everything else? “That comes later,” Lefty opines, missing the pun.

I lost my pickup mojo in rehab. Will I adopt Lefty’s technique to try to score one of the insanely beautiful Austonians wandering around these parts? For you, gentle reader, sure.

Not for me. I’m happy running away from all that on my upcoming motorcycle adventure, waiting for a woman to eye the bike, approach me and say “you look like you’re having the best time ever.”

To which I’ll answer, “I’m about to.” Or “Of course I am. That’s how Cancers roll.”